THE ABSURDITIES OF ADDICTION

 

Alcohol and drug addiction exist as enigmas in the world of human behavior. These substances, which often start as a choice, spiral into something far beyond comprehension. They’re like Pandora’s boxes, each with its own unique set of chaos and complexities. What’s truly absurd is our inability to fully grasp the inner workings of addiction. We can chart the chemical reactions, study the brain’s responses, and analyze behavioral patterns, yet addiction remains elusive, always shifting, always adapting.

 

One absurdity lies in how addiction can strike anyone, regardless of background, intelligence, or willpower. It defies our neatly organized categories of good and bad, strong and weak. It sneaks into the lives of doctors, lawyers, artists, and laborers alike. It doesn’t discriminate based on age, gender, or social status. Addiction doesn’t play by society’s rules, and that, in itself, is baffling.

 

Furthermore, the way addiction shapes reality is absurd. It creates alternate dimensions, where the pursuit of a substance becomes the singular focus, overpowering all other rationality. Addiction warps time, making seconds feel like hours, and hours like minutes. It thrives on the absurdity of needing something that simultaneously destroys. And for those who stand on the outside, trying to make sense of it all, it’s a bewildering puzzle. Each person’s addiction story is uniquely absurd, leaving loved ones to grapple with how to understand and support without losing themselves in the process.

 

Yet, addiction can also be seen as a paradox. It can serve as a means to cope through hard times, offering a temporary escape from pain and suffering. At the same time, it becomes a self-destructive escape, exacerbating the very struggles it initially sought to alleviate. Addiction often signals underlying turmoil, whether within an individual or society itself, highlighting the complex and interconnected nature of our human experience. 

 

In a world where we seek understanding and reason, addiction serves as a reminder that there are elements of human existence that will forever remain irrational and absurd. We can offer support, compassion, and guidance, but the chaotic dance with addiction ultimately unfolds in the mind of the individual. It’s a testament to the human spirit’s complexity and resilience, even in the face of the most absurd of challenges.

 

My 2bits: Chasing shadows.

 

One day, after indulging in a day filled with vodka and a pack of mini thins, I packed a dip, stumbled out of the house, and started walking down the road. The alcohol was rapidly dulling my senses, and I found myself in a dreamlike state. As I meandered along, my bleary eyes caught sight of a car left running, its owner standing precariously on some rocks overlooking a high bank by the lake. It struck me as odd that he was so close to the edge, especially with the gusty winds that could easily send him tumbling onto the sharp, jagged rocks below. In my intoxicated state, my mind painted a bleak picture, assuming he must be grappling with deep sadness or despair, possibly even contemplating something as grim as taking his own life. My cloudy judgment insisted that I needed to help him.

 

Navigating the uneven, treacherous rocks in my drunken stupor, I approached this stranger and initiated a conversation. It started as a disjointed exchange of words, with me attempting to offer solace or aid. I couldn’t quite comprehend the situation or explain why I felt so compelled to intervene, and our interaction resembled a bewildering dance between two individuals adrift in their own worlds.

 

However, amid this chaotic exchange, something occurred. I locked eyes with this person, and for a brief moment, a soberness washed over me. He extended his hand toward me, as if offering assistance, and asked, “Are you okay?” His question, though simple, held a profound understanding that resonated with me. It was as if he saw through the facade I had worn for so long, the mask of false strength and independence. In that instant, I felt truly seen, not as someone capable of saving others, but as someone in need of salvation themselves.

 

As I hesitated, torn between my initial impulse to help and this newfound vulnerability, the stranger continued, “You should be careful; we wouldn’t want you to fall.” His words carried genuine concern, a lifeline cast into the darkness of my despair. I reached out my hand, accepting his offer of guidance, and together we carefully navigated the perilous rocks, ascending from the brink of potential disaster.

 

Whether it was a chance encounter or a deeper, more meaningful connection, I cannot say for certain. But in that surreal moment, I felt a connection to something greater than myself. As I started to walk away and then glanced back, there was neither a car nor a person to be seen, as if they had vanished into thin air, leaving me in a state of profound bewilderment.

 

Reflecting on that peculiar day, I realize how deeply depressed and lost I was at that time. Standing on that cliff, inebriated and emotionally fragile, I now understand that it could have ended in a multitude of ways. I don’t believe I was trying to harm myself, but I know I didn’t care if I got harmed. Perhaps, in the realm of possibility, there were unseen forces, like guardian angels, gently guiding me away from a precipice of despair and towards a path of recovery.

 

In the past, there were times when the absurdity of addiction took me to strange and uncharted territories. It’s bewildering how substances can lead one to chase shadows, both real and metaphorical, and create a parallel world of chaos. We often don’t truly comprehend the intricate web that addiction weaves in the lives of individuals. It’s a puzzle with no straightforward answers, and the urge to simplify it is a common mistake.

 

Addiction can be a paradox. It can be a way to cope with hardships, providing temporary relief and escape, while simultaneously worsening the underlying struggles. It’s a sign of deeper issues, whether within a person’s psyche or within the fabric of society itself. Addiction thrives in the void, filling it with a counterfeit sense of purpose, a misguided attempt to find meaning in the midst of emptiness.

 

As I reflect on my own journey, I see how this absurdity played out in my life. Chasing shadows was my way of grappling with the hollowness within, a futile attempt to make sense of a world that often seemed senseless. In the depths of my addiction, I yearned for turmoil and conflict in the outside world, believing it mirrored the chaos I felt within. Rainy days, those moments of solitude, offered a temporary escape from societal expectations, allowing me to hide from the judgmental gaze of others.

 

In my pursuit to combat these shadows, I often made choices that didn’t dignify the learning process. Lies, jail time, lost relationships, and jobs were not the ways I had imagined learning to navigate life when I was a kid. These were harsh, absurd but predictable lessons that, in hindsight, I wish I could have avoided. But sometimes, it’s through these very choices and their consequences that we gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and the world around us. Shadows, whether past or present, are an integral part of my story, shaping me into the resilient individual I’ve become. 

 

I still struggle with many of the decisions and choices I made during the darkest chapters of my life. There are moments when I can't help but feel a sense of unworthiness, haunted by the ghosts of my past. However, I've embarked on a conscious effort to combat these self- doubts. I remind myself of the transformation I've undergone and the battles I've fought. It's a constant process of holding on to the idea that I've been through hell and was able to walk away. This serves as a testament to my resilience and the strength I've discovered within myself, even in the face of adversity. While the scars of my past may still linger, they no longer define who I am or where I'm headed.

 

It's hard to see the world through the same lens again that I saw it through before all this madness started. The scars, both visible and invisible, serve as constant reminders of what I've faced. I've learned the importance of reminding myself to relax and be okay with where I'm at in this moment. It's all too easy to hold onto resentment and anxiety, a familiar path my mind can often tread. Instead, I strive to redirect my focus towards the present, where I can slowly move away from the ashes of my past. In sharing some my story, I hope to inspire others on their unique journeys of recovery, emphasizing the importance of recognizing the intricate interplay between body and mind, and the transformative power of self-awareness and self-compassion.

Tim Welch, LPCC Mental Health Counseling, 
Newark, Ohio Licking County Online Therapy.  Virtual Counseling for Alcohol Addiction, Drug Addiction, Anxiety, Depression & Mental Health Issues.

Read more: twelch.com 2bits ebook